It's been a rough week. I have been so tired and most of the people around me have been sick. I have had some sleepless nights where my brain is working overtime, though my body is so tired. And days where I can't seem to stay awake.Today I decided to take a mental health day from work so I could nap and work on school work without feeling stressed out. I guess you could say that I am practicing loving-kindness on myself.
Sunday night when my mind was so awake that I could not sleep, I finished up the reading on loving-kindness in our text book and listened to the meditation. The house was quiet as it was 2 am. With my cat Max snuggled in my lap, I sat in my recliner and settled into the meditation. The woman's voice was rather soothing, but every time she would begin speaking it would startle me out of my meditation. I did not care for that.
As requested I tried to focus on a loved one, but my mind jumped from person to person, not really settling on any one person. As I turned loving feelings inward, I felt a sense of guilt, I think because I have been very "me" focused lately. It was hard to just observe, without analyzing. I told myself to "let go, don't judge" Then her voice again and it startled me again. Back to my breathing.
Self love is hard when you have been raised that this goes along with selfishness. All the back chatter enters my mind.
Next is thinking of loved one who is suffering. I think of my brother who lost his daughter four years ago and has a huge hole in his heart. It is hard to take his suffering as I still grieve too. I think maybe this meditation can help. Well, hope.
I went back to this exercise and listened to it again. Same thing, every time the woman spoke, it would startle me. I really don't like that.
This week loving kindness has touched me in another way. On Facebook I have been following a family from my hometown, Midland, Michigan. They have a son Jayden who's been suffering from cancer. Last weekend Jayden passed away. I was so struck with grief for this family's loss. Two days later someone, posted a letter that was sent to Ellen DeGeneres Show Facebook page from a woman in the Midland community about Jayden's wanting to "pay it forward".
Since he passed away there has been many incidents of "Paying it forward for Jayden" in Midland and since it was posted I have seen so many stories of people paying it forward. People paying off layaway's down to one penny remaining, buying coffee for the person behind them in line and so on. I did not know this young boy, but was so totally moved by him. I wonder how I will pay it forward this week. Acts of Loving-kindness.
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